Kourt's N Session

"I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame."- Psalm 34:4-5

This bible verse pumped the breaks for me as I read the book for my bible study last week. Worry is an epidemic that stretches across the globe. It is something that we as sinners do. Not necessarily because we are at fault, but simply because we do not communicate. Or rather, we do not listen. In my walk this past year, I have one common theme that has presented itself over and over again; I did not listen. My Grandmother told me to have faith that "God was working through me." She had said this so many times in my life and I had trusted her words. But, in the past 25 years she said that to me, that was the first time I really needed to listen.

Out of all the people to find out about what I had done last year, Grandma was the one person in my life that I was scared to inform. I knew what I did was somewhat parallel to a speeding ticket, but I had beaten myself up enough. As I swallowed back fear, I began to speak. I felt like I had eaten glass the words were so sharp and piercing getting out. It was painful as the sentences flew from my head to my vocal box and out of my mouth. Fear alone wanted me to hide, to run away; to swallow the glass and sit in pain like I had been doing. Once I let out what was cutting me inside, I began to heal. While her disappointment subsided, her love for me shined through. She did not look down on me, but better yet she looked at me. It was as if she had done the same thing. She said one sin was not better than the other. She opened her arms to me and told me that God loved me and to have faith that something was coming. It was in that moment that I knew she was right. In lieu of the mishaps that I had been going through, my Grandmother never judged me upon what I had done. She saw my heart.

That night I prayed like I had never prayed before. I told God that I had forgiven myself and that I needed to lean on him. That I worried about what people would think. I asked him to help me with the troubles that weighed so heavy on my heart. I was not scared anymore. I felt the love of God around me. I was at peace with myself for the first time in a very long time. I knew this was the beginning of something good.

In the book "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World," Joanna Weaver touches on the sensitive subject that seems to weigh us all down; worry. The bible says that a worried heart is heavy. If we allow worry to consume our hearts we drive Jesus out. I learned that God speaks to our hearts and if well invite worry inside; only more worry will come out of it creating a heavy heart. Once we alleviate that burden, God comes in and begins to work through us! It was in my moment of weakness that my heart began to become lighter. I trusted Grandma's words and listened. I felt that fear had been shut out and the light had been let back inside.

I cast my fears to God and he was listening. I was finally allowing myself to begin a healing process. I was brought out of shame and into his understanding. "I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame" Psalm 34:4-5.

<3 Sweet Dreams

Faith! What is it? How do we obtain it when we seem to be engulfed in a whirlpool of disaster? Noted: the unfamiliar brings the unexpected. It can pull us down, wear us out, and ultimately try to strip us of what is familiar. When the broken state of you stares back at you in the mirror and inadvertently manifests into someone you hardly recognize, you unexpectedly react in an unfamiliar way. That is when you have a choice. You can hide from the distorted vision of yourself, or you can look it in the eye and fix it.

Your eyes never hide what is in your heart. They radiate the light inside of us. When the light has dwindled, the spark still faintly remains. Though you may not see it, there is still hope inside of you. This is because you have faith that God is with you. He might test us in ways that we do not understand. However; in those hard times he never strays. When we ignore his call, he keeps calling. The resonance of the bell can be muffled, but it will not be silenced until we pick up the phone.

In these unfamiliar times of trials and tribulations which, can be unexpected, we fall from grace. We forget we can fly. We sit by the ringing phone and hide from God's call because we have scummed to the fall. The light inside is now a mere flash of the luminance it used to be.

When this occurs hope is still there, but faith seems to separate. However, if we acknowledge the ring tone is present than we know the phone exists; we know God exists. It's so easy to pick up the receiver and say,"hello." To invite the familiar back inside. As we answer the phone, the lights turn on. We suddenly remember that life will bring its battles but, it is the LORD our God who helps us to defeat them. If we have faith that God is working with us and through us, we can accomplish anything. After the phone call, God throws us faith as our life jacket and in the whirlpool of disaster, we begin to float. We recall that, "when times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future"(Ecclesiastes 7:14). The future is unfamiliar. We cannot expect perfection. In good and bad times, we have to remember to listen. With the bad, we have to remind ourselves not turn away that good is around the corner if we only answer God's phone call.

According to Paul David Tripp, "God is using the difficulties of the here and now to transform you, that is, to rescue you from YOU. And because He loves you, He will willingly interrupt or compromise your momentary happiness in order to accomplish one more step in the process of rescue and transformation, which He is unshakably committed to." God is persistent. And in his determination he takes us out of our comfort zones into an unfamiliar place. Scared and feeling alone, we do not know what to expect. But, as we take God's hand, we have faith in the comfort that the familiar is accompanying us. God is redirecting our life's on a path unknown. And, with his comfort we remember to fly. Through this process our grace is restored. Our light becomes brighter and our faith becomes stronger. Do not let bad situations define who you are. Answer the phone, grab the life jacket, and have faith that God is using you to be the example. He is working with you. And he will never leave you!


"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9


Sweet Dreams

<3 Kourt

The past 3 months have brought with them a lot of changes. My life has shifted gears as I am finally out of my house and into a new home on my own. Just as I was getting settled into my job at one assisted living facility; I received a promotion to Executive Director at another community. So, I took on the big roll scared but confident. It's time to be a big girl. So, hello world...

On my adventure to becoming a more independent "Kourtney," I have definitely experienced a case of the hiccups. Life's lessons seem to hit me hard but, I pick myself up and keep going. Lately, however; it appears that I am constantly picking myself up. Skinned knees and elbows leave scars. Those scars remind us of where we have been, the mistakes we have made, but most importantly how we overcame those mishaps. It is in those moments of weakness we find our strengths. The humility of the fall is not in the collapse itself but in getting up, dealing with the looks on the faces upon you, and pushing through the embarrassment. Because, in that second you will find the courage to finish the race. For it is not how the situation defines you. It is how you define the situation.

I continue to find a piece of myself in all the wrong and right choices I make. With work or in my personal life that is how I learn. Doubtful faces have been among me with this new position I have embarked upon. But, that only gives me the ammunition to demand more out of myself and work harder. I will forever be a student as new learning opportunities will present themselves to me every day of my life.

"Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in the darkness the Lord will be my light."Micah 7:8

Sweet dreams <3

3 kidney stones passed and finally feeling normal... thanks St. Patty.

Wednesday brought a HELLACIOUS day. With patience stretched thin, blood boiling, my teeth clenched tightly as I could hear the song "I'm a Little Tea Pot" singing in my head. When all I wanted to do was tip over and SHOUT, I fought the urge to "get all steamed up." The day started with a wake up call from one of my more difficult residents. It has become a pattern for her to wreak havoc every transportation day. This time she changed her appointment without notifying our nurse. For a month her doctor's appointment was for 11 AM. And the morning of, she calls me at 950 AM saying the appointment is at 10 AM. My response, "you're already late..." After round 3 of her reiterating the same nonsense, I remembered that our driver was not going to be there until later that day. I looked up at the exit and immediately began to cross over all lanes of 285 in order to get to our other property and get the bus. Within enough time, I got the bus and headed back to our property. Luckily, they are only 5 minutes from each other. I knew that this particular resident was going to give me hell for a problem that she created. I put on my shield, grabbed my amour, and got out of the van. The 10:30 AM lady was ready to go, the troublemaker.. no where in sight. I began to take my battle gear off and a smile lightened my face. As I started to sigh with relief, the unavoidable grumpy woman creeped up behind me with a different agenda than mine. She demanded that I take her immediately. The other woman was kind and nonchalant about the issue. But, it was not fair for this resident to take advantage of our staff. Someone had to put their foot down. So, my 6 1/2 stomped loudly as I said, "you'll have to wait because I cannot accommodate an appointment the day of as it is stated in our book." Her reaction was as if you had told a stubborn child they could not get the toy they wanted at the store; when in all fairness their behavior was not one to be rewarded.

It took us 15 minutes to get her into the bus. We arrived at the doctor's office to let the patient woman out. With a smile full of love, she thanked me for my kind heart. I felt my shield come off again. She was late to her appointment because of the irrational lady. The whole way to our destination I listened as the inconsiderate woman bounced of one rude comment after another. She was making comments towards myself and the other resident. I grew irate. But, in the rear view I noticed my other resident sitting contently. This little bubbly lady, weightless with worry, seemed pleased just to be going somewhere. She knew what the other woman was saying and instead of being upset with me or her, she focused on the positive. I felt my amour drop now. I started laughing at little miss sunshine who sat in happiness. She then joined in with me in a harmonizing cackle. The curmudgeon woman sat in the way back with her arms crossed asking us to "quiet down." Our laughter grew. Not out of spite but, simply because we were both laughing at nothing. Coincidentally, both appointments were at the same doctor's building. THANK GOD!

I returned to the property feeling lighter and refreshed. It was destiny that "little miss sunshine" went with me that day. She showed me that laughter is the best medicine in times of stress. Back at the facility our Director was out at a conference. I was now the receptionist, activities director, marketing director, director, and driver. I could not find the humor in this. Stress to the max, I tried to pump my breaks. I just could not win. My arts and crafts program fell through, we couldn't get things decorated, and I had an entertainer coming at 2 pm along with picking up or residents while answering the phones. I needed a stiff drink... ASAP. I got the content lady from the doctor and got back in time to meet with our performer. The residents really enjoyed him. Seeing them smile was calming for me.

I got done with my day in time to meet up with Caro and head out to Chili's to see Danielle and Amanda. Poor Katie called with a flat tire and I felt terrible I could not help her. Thankful for Caroline, we started our St. Patty's day celebration/ stress detox. Katie came later with Jenna to meet us. I had a blast. I begin to recognize that my little lady was right..."laughter is the best medicine." Not long after, I was doubled over in pain due to a kidney stone. HA HA, the day of luck... not so lucky. The irony of Katie McGregor's flat tire, my mother being red headed, and our crazy day on the day that the Irish should experience good fortune - McGregor and I seemed to be up a creek without a paddle. Maybe we aren't desendents of the Irish after all...or maybe you have to be a full blooded Irish person to pertain to the saying?? Lol. Whatever the case, in times of hardships if we can find laughter, laugh loud, laugh long, and clear.

For you McGregs ;)

"We Love to Laugh
Loud and Long and Clear
We love to laugh
So ev'rybody can hear
The more you laugh
The more you fill with glee
The more we're a glee
The more we're a merrier we!!"
-Uncle Albert, Bert, and Mary Poppins from Mary Poppins

Sweet Dreams <3

Last week flew bye faster than I expected. Wednesday night I went to Tin Lizzy's with my friend Liz. We played the drinking game Ass Hole which, I haven't played since my freshman year of college. I have always been terrible at this game but, somehow I found myself as President more than enough. And of course, its inevitable that I would be the ass hole in the Thor hat too haha.

Thursday was routine. I took Pat to the hair dresser and as usual she told me how she hated the south and how she needed to go north where all the "smart" people are. I have taught myself to listen and drive...its exhausting. Me, McGregs, and tequila waved goodbye to our work week at 5P on Friday night. As we went to leave, certain things of my character were put into perspective. I realized that when you confide in me, I am a friend for life. Arguments aside, I will always go out of my way for my friends. They helped mold me into the person I am today and help me see the person I strive to be. Through good times and bad, they mean the world to me. I had the epiphany that our friends reflect and refract fragments of our personalities. Each friend holds a different piece to our puzzle. Through similarities they enhance of our being and, with their differences they create a perfect puzzle piece that help define our existence.

I've had a lot of my mind lately. I'm ready for a change. But, things will fall into place as intended. Today I walked outside and felt the rush of spring in the air. It was as if spring had opened my car door, asked me for a ride, and I responded with; "it's about time..." I let spring take the wheel and shift the gear to drive. As it excelled the gas petal, I took a deep breath in, held on tightly, and thought "bring on one hell of a ride."

Sweet Dreams <3

As I wave my white flag and admit defeat, my eyes grow weary and my heart becomes heavy. Today was a difficult day for me in my ongoing struggle to find happiness within Alzheimer's patients. Every day proves to be a trial and error at my new home. The residents are very agitated and at times I become discouraged. I decided to visit the old property in hopes of finding solitude and encouragement. I needed affirmation that my heart still shines through in all I do to create a happy home for those unable to care for themselves. I entered in the old property and found my residents. Some elated with my visit greeted me with hugs. Others smiled and nodded as I was only a mere recognition.

I walked into the living room I saw my resident nicknamed "Hollywood" sitting with a blank stare and a lifeless look on her face. It broke my heart. I remained intact as I walked towards her. Swallowing my emotions and fighting back tears, I called out to her... no response. She mumbled words to herself but I could not understand. It was in that moment that I felt what these families go through every time they walk in the door to visit their loved ones. I kept strong and tried to get her attention again. Nothing. It made me sick to my stomach that this successful person who had been the first woman stock broker in NYC sat with a listless face staring at the carpet. Hollywood was a woman of determination and dignity. Of high taste and fashion. Her love for life appeared every time she would smile. I knew before I left that this woman needed me. In some way I felt a connection to her the instance I picked her up from the hospital. She needed to be reminded of her importance in this world, of love, and of laughter. I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt engulf me. I saw my other residents. Lou especially because he would always brighten my days. But, it was evident that the weight of Hollywood was too much to bare. I had to walk away.

In my search for encouragement, I found pain. I was reminded today of the fact that Alzheimer's cannot be stopped by a simple entertaining activity. It is only merely postponed.

Though today I will surrender to the exhaustion, I am not going to give up. While those with Alzheimer's will face life's course; it is in the time spent stalling the inevitable I find appreciation for the past, love for the present, and hope for the future. As Lou said, "chin up kid, laughter is always the best medicine. And you gotta good laugh!" ;)

Good night and thank you to my friends <3

A white blanket covered my back yard as I woke up to realize; it snowed. Joy to the kids that got to miss school, goodbye freedom, hello grown up world of responsibility, and a 45 minute ride to work. The start to my day was nothing short of loony. It didn't stop with the traffic on P.I.B. As a result of the sky opening up a free snow cone stand; I was late to work and unable to attend the rehearsal of Charlotte's Web. I felt so bad for letting those kids down but I am glad I went ahead and cancelled because these old folks were not budging today. I walked in the door at 10:10 AM, started my daily routine, and as I get to the second floor a loud "THUD" comes from the third floor. The elevator stops, the lights start flickering, and a high pitched pulsating sound of the fire alarm resounded through my ears like nails to a chalkboard. I was alert. I started going room to room getting our residents out to a central location. One lady's wheelchair was not charged so I began to panic momentarily. I remembered the guy cleaning our fish tank outside her door and out of my mouth came; "HEY AQUA MAN, can I get some help?" Ha ha. At that moment the annoying siren died down and I quickly sounded like the last person who yelled "WHAT?" over the stereo right before someone turned down the music. Except for my "WHAT?" was directed at someone and I called him "AQUA MAN?!" My eyes popped out of my head. I stepped into reality and noticed him laughing. The laughter was refreshingly contagious. I went from auto-pilot to total control; good morning tuesday!